No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
