help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
it was like eating out sand paper
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
