Are we in a gay sports bar?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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