it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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