I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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