I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
