You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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