Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
