Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
