I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
