we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Sorry my hands just texted you
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
