I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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