Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
