my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
