just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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