I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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