My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
