She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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