my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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