when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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