she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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