I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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