i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
