At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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