i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
