highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
