Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
