We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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