I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
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