I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
