i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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