I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize