I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
