bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
