i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
