Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
