Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
