Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize