Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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