wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Randomize
