if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
porn star boner night. come get it.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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