i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
