Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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