i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
