We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
