Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize