You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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