I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
