I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize