so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
