Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
