Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
