please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
My vagina is very pro this idea
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
