I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
