Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
