Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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