The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
