My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Randomize
