Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
